Why Righteous Love Isn’t Always Real Love
We’ve all felt it – that tightening in the chest when we know we’re right.
When we’ve done everything “correctly,” loved as best we could, and still find ourselves on the outside of connection, confused and hurting.
But here’s the thing: being right might feel powerful, justified, even noble. But it doesn’t always set us free.
And for so many women – especially those raised to caretake, appease, or fix – “righteous love” becomes the armor we wear to protect a deeper pain.
We want to believe that if we just love hard enough, speak clearly enough, prove our worth over and over again, the story will shift. They’ll come back. They’ll understand. They’ll finally love us in the way we’ve needed all along.
But what if that very insistence on being right is what keeps the story locked in place?
What if our fierce grip on justification – on moral positioning – actually becomes the very cage that keeps us from peace?
The Trap of the Righteous Position
When we sit inside the posture of righteousness, we often become emotionally fused with a story that no longer serves us. A story of betrayal, of hurt, of abandonment or misunderstanding. It’s a story that may be true in its details – but it can also be incomplete.
We replay it. We rehearse it. We fortify our role in it.
But the heart doesn’t heal in righteousness.
The heart heals in truth – and truth has a softness to it. It invites us into curiosity, not certainty. Into release, not performance.
Because here’s the reality: even if we’re “right,” we can still be alone.
Even if we’re justified, we can still be stuck in grief that won’t resolve.
And even if our pain is real, the story we’ve built around it may need to soften for something new to grow.
Parenting, Partnership, and Pain
Righteous love doesn’t just show up in romantic relationships. It lives in how we parent.
How we argue. How we try to protect those we love by controlling outcomes. It shows up when we believe our way of loving is the only right way – and if others don’t match it, they must be wrong.
For many mothers – especially those who were once scapegoated within their families of origin – this creates a repeating loop. We try to love differently, to break the cycle. But if we haven’t healed the wound underneath, we end up parenting from pain, not presence.
Our children feel the pressure to redeem our past. Our partners become mirrors for unfinished grief. And suddenly, the love we meant to give becomes entangled in our need to be validated.
Reframing the Story
What if being right isn’t the way out?
What if the freedom lives in letting go of the need to be understood – and choosing to understand yourself more deeply instead?
This isn’t about tolerating mistreatment. This isn’t about minimizing your story. It’s about recognizing when your grip on the narrative is no longer bringing you peace.
Because real healing doesn’t come from being right. It comes from being real. From feeling what’s underneath the story. From allowing something softer to emerge – something that doesn’t need to be justified to be true.
You Get to Choose
You get to choose love that doesn’t require performance.
You get to choose peace over control.
You get to choose presence over proving.
And when you do – when you stop arguing with reality, stop rehearsing the old roles, and start listening to what your body actually needs – you create a new ending. One where truth isn’t a weapon. It’s a doorway.
Want to go deeper into this? I break it open in my latest YouTube video – watch it here.
Live bold and brave – grounded in
love, truth, and tender boundaries.
BOADI
Coaching That Meets You Where You Are
If you’re standing at that quiet edge – where the old story doesn’t fit but the next one feels too tender to walk alone – I work with women ready to reclaim their breath, their boundaries, and their voice.
You don’t need to have it all figured out. You just need to be willing to begin.
Learn more about coaching with me – where truth gets gritty, healing gets real, and love stops performing.